parents

i'm a gurl with parents that love me to bits. parents who would provide me with everything that they can. parents who would under certain limits buy me anything that i would or could ask for. that said, i should technically be one very happy gurl. hell, i'm luckier than at least half the people i know. but well, the grass always looks greener on the other side. only, it's never ever greener on the other side. the best it ever is, is only as green.

my parents are those who are over protective and over bearing. ever since i was born i never had to make a decision for myself. lucky i hear you say? nopes. i never got to make any decision for myself. it's sad, not to mention very pathetic and demeaning. or at least i feel that way. i'm going on to be 22 this year. it's heart wrenching when i look back on my two decades of life and realise that i have never ever made any decisions for myself. it's always for them. cos it makes them happier. or cos that way they will get off my back and leave me alone at peace. it's just what my parents thought they were doing for my own good or so they always claim, and i do believe that they believe that they know for a fact what's best for me, is not. they only took into account what they wanted from me. what they wanted me to have in life. what they wanted me to become. i'm not saying get out of my life and let me do what i want. they are my parents obviously they should have some say BUT just not ALL SAY. it's funny how they never thought about my feelings. how i would feel about this or that. how i would feel when i know i am being manipulated in the most underhanded and dirty methods that only a parent can pull. how i feel when my life is spinning out of control without me doing anything at all, without me being able to do anything at all. the sense of helplessness, the cold that blankets me, the zombie that took me over. these are all things that they couldn't see and would never realise. sometimes, i suspect that they are only too aware of it all. it would just make their conscience feel so much better if they could shut these all out and pretend that i am doing all that they ask because i wanted to, because i could finally see things their way. i wonder, how much longer can they kid themselves. is their state of denial more comfortable than mine? less lonely than mine? i suppose so, at least they have each other for company.

life really sucks when some of the people you love most in this world would turn around and use your love for them as your weakness to get what they want out of you. then turn around and pretend that nothing is wrong. that the world is still as perfect as it was. well, it's not. things don't go away so easily. people dont forget and forgive so easily. it just doesn't work that way. scars just don't fade so easily. money and all that money can buy are not magical wands that can make all the scars disappear with a tap. just stop. please... for both our sakes.

a part of me is eagerly awaiting the day when i would be brave enough, strong enough, dependent enough to stand up to you and all the shit you put me through to get your way. the day when i would walk away not because i love you any less but because i want to have my own life where i make the calls for me, for what i think is best for me. it wouldn't be for anyone, i would be doing it for me. it's just, that same part of me is also dreading that day that would come as i am not naive enough to think that when that day comes you would still be there for me, i doubt you will. cos like now, you would never understand why i do what i do because there's only you and how you want me to be, there was never how i want me to be.

i guess, all i ever wanted to tell you if you would listen is that you should learn how to let go. how to let me lead my life the way i want to, regardless of the mistakes that i would make. what's life witout mistakes? if i was the one who made those mistakes, even with pain, i would stumble maybe fall, but i would still pick myself up and gladly go on with life and take it as an experience. do you want to be there for me when i stumble or fall? or would you rather that you know nothing of it because it's not what you wanted me to do? i'm not you and obviously, you are not me. so, who are you to judge me like you do? who are you to say that you know me better than i do? who i you to claim that you know what's best for me better than i do? you had the chance to lead your life, now, please, let me lead mine.

i'm back..

why would it come as no surprise that i abandoned my blog for a year? nopes.. not that nothing happenned.. tonnes happenned. well, i'm not implying that i'm a walking talking circus. i'm not. but things do happen in a year, monumental things. well, a bit of things that everyone should already know.. man utd won the premiership to my greatest pride and joy of course.

well... but this is my blog and i'm allowed to self-indulge here. it's heart breaking when ppl tell you the truth. the truth is often than not too hard and cold to take. the worst part would be that the bearer of these "truths" might not even know the full extent of the damage dealt, well not that it's their fault, they are not me. it's as simple as that. and in my defense, it's very hard not to hold the slightest grudge against these bearer of "truths". yeah, i know, it sucks.. it's such a horribly lose-lose situation. no wonder ppl choose to not tell "truths". but just for the record, i appreciate being told "truths" i just don't appreciate hearing about it. does that even make sense?

i'm never one to open my life to people. even to my closest of close friends. there's just something about me. i hardly share my innermost thoughts. they all seem so much more safe and well, harmless. i can think about anything i want about anything and they will be noone there to judge, to comment, to disagree. no one at all. the only times i open up, are times when i'm breaking down or broke down and my friends were there at the right time to lend a shoulder. if they were (shall we say) lucky enough to miss the whole scene where i talk incoherently often with tears blurring my eyes so much i cant see and with so many thoughts running through my mind i am barely thinking straight if thinking at all, after my self-imposed time in "prison" where i shut out everything that i possibly can, i would be too eager to forget the whole scene to ever talk about it again esp in detail. i'm sorry what i do make the people that care for me worry. i really am sorry. i feel guilty about it. but i don't know how to break this awful habit. for now, all i can possibly say is i'm sorry...

all curled up in a dark secluded corner

have you ever felt so lost and so vulnerable that you feel like hugging your knees together hiding in a corner like a little child hoping that you might just be invisible to the big bad world with its big bad people and big bad things? hoping that there's some sort of comfort to be found in hugging your soft toy as tightly as possible but your 'best friend' which has always been faithful up to this very point, just isn't offering much? even hiding under your oh-so-protective quilt isn't helping. is that a sign that something is wrong or do you need a more glaring hint that all is not well?

i know that the world isn't crumbling down. sometimes all we need is a sincere smile that reaches inviting eyes on a cloudy day, other times, we might need a big bear hug to shield us when the rain is pouring down our face, occasionally, we would even long all that and some kind sugar-coated words to soothe our frayed nerves from the frightening thunderstorm over-head. but then again, will there be someone there to offer us those simple things, yet things which at that point of time mean the world to us? what if there isn't? will we be lost, never to be found ever again?

it's devastating and strangely funny that it's much easier to type a post and post it on a blog that you figure no one ever reads, while taking refuge in the fact that at least you got some of it, no matter how little of it, out of your system, much easier in fact than to voice out your many insecurities to the people that matters most to you. maybe because by doing that you are opening more and more windows to your heart and your soul that you are too afraid to show, even to yourself? because onced opened, the windows could not be closed. our heart and soul, the depth of us, is laid bare. what if they don't like what they saw? what if we should have been stronger? what if they thought we were a better person than we actually are? what if...? most of the time, with most people, we just figure that the risk is too much to take because what we are most insecure about is, in fact, ourselves!

but when you pause and pull yourself out of that pit of pitch black darkness and gloom that you blanketed yourself with, you should wonder, those people can easily be every bit just as insecure as we are. maybe it's time to inject some self confidence into ourselves and some trust in others, easier said than done i know, but maybe we too have judged them too harshly, maybe just maybe, they will love what they see cos deep down we are still the beautiful person that they once saw. and along the same note, just to be fair, they might just want us to see them as they really are too, to see them as the wonderful person that we once thought they were.

i'm off to wallow more in my misery and self-pity with my "best friend" and my quilt while you hopefully give a thought to the mess that i have written.

good to be back?

it has been so long since my last blog that my mind has very effectively erased almost every tiny little detail of this supposingly safe haven of mine. it took me about 20 minutes to remember the website for the blog, an address which made me smile smugly every single time i look at it, you see, i very much like the sound of it. however, no matter how hard i raked my mind for my username and password, those two will never come. i had to get "blogger" to send me my username and then my password to my e-mail account, which only made me realise how easy it is for an impostor to get all those rather precious details of mine, i suppose, and blog on my account. then again, i should probably count my blessings since i wouldn't be here blogging again if it weren't so very convenient and easy to access.

when you pause and think about it, isn't it amazing how easy it is for us to forget things that used to occupy our lives, things that were once important to us but because of the tide of life we were swept away from them? while we are at it, it's not only things that the mind chooses or sometimes unconciously forgets. do you still remember the name of your best friend in nursery? the name of the "best friend" that you were never once seen without, once upon a very long time ago? if you still do then give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back, cos my point is i don't and i bet a lot of ppl out there are just as awful as i am.

i admit that there are things and people that you can never forget that you will never ever forget or want to forget. but then again, you don't have to forget them entirely for them to slowly and steadily drift out of your life, becoming hopefully more than just a passing dream, maybe more like stuff that filled up a past phase of your life. and let's face it, no matter how hard we will to hang on to a phase in life, it just sweeps past us, sometimes so quickly that we didn't even realise it, so quickly that we didn't even have the chance to retaliate. and life is long when you think about it isn't it? how many phases are we about to go through in one life time? how many things and ppl are we going to lose along the way?

maybe one day when we are all old and wrinkled and sitting on an older rocking chair that's hopefully not immensely uncomfortable, looking at the sun setting down the horizon, we'll reminisence about the good old times we had, the sad heartbreaking times, and maybe on the off hand, the mundane days where things weren't good but not too bad either. but don't you wonder what sort of things will actually be important enough to be remembered all the way till then? will we still be bitter about little things that hurt us and not so little things that scared us in the past? or will we look at it all with forgiveness and think to ourselves that it's better that something actually happened than nothing ever happenning at all and cherish the good times that we actually had? i guess, this all depends on what sort of a person we are at the core, doesn't it? i hope that i'll be generous enough to be like the latter. and if you don't then maybe it's time for you to do a bit of self-reflection =)

lost and helpless

more often than not, we never get what we want in life. along the same lines, how our lives turn out never ever follow exactly to our plans. after all, we are living breathing human beings and not characters from a book that has to follow exactly to the plot set out by the author. more importantly, we cannot stand alone in this world and the people around us greatly influence it.

however, sometimes i do feel like a character in a book where i have absolutely no say in what i want to do because what i end up doing depends entirely on the author which i have zilch influence over. i've once again been put through a situation where i thoroughly experience what it means to feel totally lost and out of control of my own life. but then again, how many of us are truly in full control of theirs. but as i was saying, my life is spiralling out of my own hands into those whom i hope truly know what is best for me at least as much as they claim to. although what is to happen is totally out of my hands, i was given an excruciating cruel task of carrying out a decision on my life that i did not make. a turn of life that i do not wish to take, at least not at this very moment and not in the present future. i am much more aware of the consequences of the decision than anyone else. and because of this stark awareness of what will be, i am very much reluctant to go through with it.

i've been told a story about a kite, the string and of course the wind. apparently, the string is the one that holds on to the kite, the one who controls how far the kite could go. but the person who told me the story failed to notice that where the kite goes depends largely on which direction the wind is blowing and of course the way the kite is made. no matter how hard the string tries to hold on to the kite controling its flight, the string still has no say in what happens to the kite, neither can it gurantee that it will forever be attached to the kite. in actual fact, the string is very much helpless in the matter.

do i really want to step into the darkness of life all alone? i truly do not know the answer to that. does what i truly want matter to anyone at all? nobody asked me the question before they stormed into my life and took it over, so i guess, apparently what i want doesn't matter all that much. whose happiness should come first? mine or those that i care about? there are too many questions in my mind that i don't even know where it begins and where it ends neither do i know the answer to any of them. i'm truly being washed away by the tides of fate and i do not like where its taking me.

life is a very fragile thing

i was planning on enjoying my time exploring more of sydney and buying more things to bring home but, like all other plans, those plans were flushed down the toilet. i end up hopping on a plane back home 2 days before my actual flight date, in a daze. i was confused and my heart is filled with mixed feelings. i was delighted to go home to its comforts but knowing that i will also be coming back to a very sick grannie just makes me feel immensely uncomfortable because as long as i was miles away news of her condition is just news and it is very easy for me to remain very conveniently detached.

now that i am home, it breaks my heart to see someone who was still so strong the last i saw her no longer have the strength to hold a spoon with a steady hand. it scares me to know now how fast someone can dwindle away and all that is left to hold on to will be the spirit inside and all that you have to grip on to the world of the living is your spirit, knowing fully well that no matter how much you try and no matter how strong your spirit might be you will inevitably have to let go one day it's just a question of how soon it happens. so, i suggest that we live life to the fullest now when we have the chance. do what you want to do and try your best to fulfill your dreams while holding your close ones close to your heart. you never know when your last corner of life will be, neither will you know when is theirs. don't live life to regret it as regret is not a beautiful thing.

finals is over! yay!

i've try to post something this past month that is not remotely depressing (cos of my previous promise of a more cheerful post) but it seems i'm either too caught up with worrying about the inches of notes and text that i got to go through for finals or i'm not in too cheerful a mood to write about anything cheerful. so here i am, going into my first few hours of my long-awaited-and-long-delayed semester break if this isn't going to make me cheerful enough i don't know what will. however, since i am still not jumping up and down celebrating my new found freedom, i guess the fact hasn't really sunked in yet. apparently typing it out doesn't help much or maybe it's just that my brain feels so fuzzy, not to mention that it also feels like it weighs at least a tonne. playing card games and drinking coke+absolute vodka as penalty definitely does N O T help the headache. ouch. i think i'll continue another day when the feeling of freedom sunk in with me in the land of sunshine with butterflies and candy sticks. till then! =)

how i wish that i was a toddler again

you know how you just worked really hard (or hard enough) for something and after that all you want to do is to laze around and not do a single thing anymore, ever? join the club =) i think it's about time that i get down and dirty and start some serious mugging. but then again, i can think about doing that and procrastinate somemore. but on the other hand, i don't want to regret and beat myself up about it a month later. so, (sigh) it doesn't look like i have a choice, do i? i promise whoever who's reading this that i will start studying hard tomorrow (crossing my fingers).

well, since i was lazing around and not doing anything, i was hit by a sudden sense of nostalgia. how i wish that i was still that little cuddly toddler, learning how to ride a bike with 3 back wheels (and still managing to fall flat on my face), reading "peter and jane", building jigsaw puzzles with my mum, waking up early in the morning during the weekends to watch cartoon shows. the best thing of it all is that life was so carefree and everything was so beautiful. life was very much like a land filled with rainbows, lollies, and cotton candy. well, rainbows still bring smiles to my face but the sense of awe is gone or it has lessen in large degrees. you notice, the more you see of this (big bad) world, the more pessimistic you become. not only is the sense of awe gone, our sense of optimism is also lost. what is this thing that is sucking our essence out of us? i guess, there are too many different factors contributing to this sad fact.

notice how when you are young, you do and say whatever that's on your mind without second thoughts. if it was wrong to do so, then we and everyone else will just blame it on the fact that we are still young (we don't know any better apparently). the older you get, the older the excuse gets too, until a point where it is no longer usable. when we are all "grown-up", we have to watch our words and actions, as we obviously would not want to hurt others by being "unthoughtful". there's a certain propriety that we must follow, certain social expectations that we must live up to, certain hypocritical rules that we must live by. those of us who reach our toes out to feel and prob the line are viewed as being disrecpectful and scorned for being different. but, did anyone realise that all these boundaries that have been set up are just making us more guarded? everyone is hiding their own true feelings and thoughts behind mask after mask, fence after fence and wall after wall of "protection", so that we won't be hurt by the people around us and in turn we won't hurt them. i wonder if this is also a sad thing by itself, but who am i to say anything when this is the inevitable result of living itself? it's as if to build walls around ourselves to guard our fragile inner sensitivities is the code of survival.

well, i think i have been more than cynical and i should stop before i can't control the urge to whack myself hard on the head =) hope you enjoy what i hope is one of my rare moments of being an utter cynic and skeptic. smile people life really isn't that bad, really! i shall elaborate more next time around =)