more often than not, we never get what we want in life. along the same lines, how our lives turn out never ever follow exactly to our plans. after all, we are living breathing human beings and not characters from a book that has to follow exactly to the plot set out by the author. more importantly, we cannot stand alone in this world and the people around us greatly influence it.
however, sometimes i do feel like a character in a book where i have absolutely no say in what i want to do because what i end up doing depends entirely on the author which i have zilch influence over. i've once again been put through a situation where i thoroughly experience what it means to feel totally lost and out of control of my own life. but then again, how many of us are truly in full control of theirs. but as i was saying, my life is spiralling out of my own hands into those whom i hope truly know what is best for me at least as much as they claim to. although what is to happen is totally out of my hands, i was given an excruciating cruel task of carrying out a decision on my life that i did not make. a turn of life that i do not wish to take, at least not at this very moment and not in the present future. i am much more aware of the consequences of the decision than anyone else. and because of this stark awareness of what will be, i am very much reluctant to go through with it.
i've been told a story about a kite, the string and of course the wind. apparently, the string is the one that holds on to the kite, the one who controls how far the kite could go. but the person who told me the story failed to notice that where the kite goes depends largely on which direction the wind is blowing and of course the way the kite is made. no matter how hard the string tries to hold on to the kite controling its flight, the string still has no say in what happens to the kite, neither can it gurantee that it will forever be attached to the kite. in actual fact, the string is very much helpless in the matter.
do i really want to step into the darkness of life all alone? i truly do not know the answer to that. does what i truly want matter to anyone at all? nobody asked me the question before they stormed into my life and took it over, so i guess, apparently what i want doesn't matter all that much. whose happiness should come first? mine or those that i care about? there are too many questions in my mind that i don't even know where it begins and where it ends neither do i know the answer to any of them. i'm truly being washed away by the tides of fate and i do not like where its taking me.
