i'm a gurl with parents that love me to bits. parents who would provide me with everything that they can. parents who would under certain limits buy me anything that i would or could ask for. that said, i should technically be one very happy gurl. hell, i'm luckier than at least half the people i know. but well, the grass always looks greener on the other side. only, it's never ever greener on the other side. the best it ever is, is only as green.
my parents are those who are over protective and over bearing. ever since i was born i never had to make a decision for myself. lucky i hear you say? nopes. i never got to make any decision for myself. it's sad, not to mention very pathetic and demeaning. or at least i feel that way. i'm going on to be 22 this year. it's heart wrenching when i look back on my two decades of life and realise that i have never ever made any decisions for myself. it's always for them. cos it makes them happier. or cos that way they will get off my back and leave me alone at peace. it's just what my parents thought they were doing for my own good or so they always claim, and i do believe that they believe that they know for a fact what's best for me, is not. they only took into account what they wanted from me. what they wanted me to have in life. what they wanted me to become. i'm not saying get out of my life and let me do what i want. they are my parents obviously they should have some say BUT just not ALL SAY. it's funny how they never thought about my feelings. how i would feel about this or that. how i would feel when i know i am being manipulated in the most underhanded and dirty methods that only a parent can pull. how i feel when my life is spinning out of control without me doing anything at all, without me being able to do anything at all. the sense of helplessness, the cold that blankets me, the zombie that took me over. these are all things that they couldn't see and would never realise. sometimes, i suspect that they are only too aware of it all. it would just make their conscience feel so much better if they could shut these all out and pretend that i am doing all that they ask because i wanted to, because i could finally see things their way. i wonder, how much longer can they kid themselves. is their state of denial more comfortable than mine? less lonely than mine? i suppose so, at least they have each other for company.
life really sucks when some of the people you love most in this world would turn around and use your love for them as your weakness to get what they want out of you. then turn around and pretend that nothing is wrong. that the world is still as perfect as it was. well, it's not. things don't go away so easily. people dont forget and forgive so easily. it just doesn't work that way. scars just don't fade so easily. money and all that money can buy are not magical wands that can make all the scars disappear with a tap. just stop. please... for both our sakes.
a part of me is eagerly awaiting the day when i would be brave enough, strong enough, dependent enough to stand up to you and all the shit you put me through to get your way. the day when i would walk away not because i love you any less but because i want to have my own life where i make the calls for me, for what i think is best for me. it wouldn't be for anyone, i would be doing it for me. it's just, that same part of me is also dreading that day that would come as i am not naive enough to think that when that day comes you would still be there for me, i doubt you will. cos like now, you would never understand why i do what i do because there's only you and how you want me to be, there was never how i want me to be.
i guess, all i ever wanted to tell you if you would listen is that you should learn how to let go. how to let me lead my life the way i want to, regardless of the mistakes that i would make. what's life witout mistakes? if i was the one who made those mistakes, even with pain, i would stumble maybe fall, but i would still pick myself up and gladly go on with life and take it as an experience. do you want to be there for me when i stumble or fall? or would you rather that you know nothing of it because it's not what you wanted me to do? i'm not you and obviously, you are not me. so, who are you to judge me like you do? who are you to say that you know me better than i do? who i you to claim that you know what's best for me better than i do? you had the chance to lead your life, now, please, let me lead mine.
my parents are those who are over protective and over bearing. ever since i was born i never had to make a decision for myself. lucky i hear you say? nopes. i never got to make any decision for myself. it's sad, not to mention very pathetic and demeaning. or at least i feel that way. i'm going on to be 22 this year. it's heart wrenching when i look back on my two decades of life and realise that i have never ever made any decisions for myself. it's always for them. cos it makes them happier. or cos that way they will get off my back and leave me alone at peace. it's just what my parents thought they were doing for my own good or so they always claim, and i do believe that they believe that they know for a fact what's best for me, is not. they only took into account what they wanted from me. what they wanted me to have in life. what they wanted me to become. i'm not saying get out of my life and let me do what i want. they are my parents obviously they should have some say BUT just not ALL SAY. it's funny how they never thought about my feelings. how i would feel about this or that. how i would feel when i know i am being manipulated in the most underhanded and dirty methods that only a parent can pull. how i feel when my life is spinning out of control without me doing anything at all, without me being able to do anything at all. the sense of helplessness, the cold that blankets me, the zombie that took me over. these are all things that they couldn't see and would never realise. sometimes, i suspect that they are only too aware of it all. it would just make their conscience feel so much better if they could shut these all out and pretend that i am doing all that they ask because i wanted to, because i could finally see things their way. i wonder, how much longer can they kid themselves. is their state of denial more comfortable than mine? less lonely than mine? i suppose so, at least they have each other for company.
life really sucks when some of the people you love most in this world would turn around and use your love for them as your weakness to get what they want out of you. then turn around and pretend that nothing is wrong. that the world is still as perfect as it was. well, it's not. things don't go away so easily. people dont forget and forgive so easily. it just doesn't work that way. scars just don't fade so easily. money and all that money can buy are not magical wands that can make all the scars disappear with a tap. just stop. please... for both our sakes.
a part of me is eagerly awaiting the day when i would be brave enough, strong enough, dependent enough to stand up to you and all the shit you put me through to get your way. the day when i would walk away not because i love you any less but because i want to have my own life where i make the calls for me, for what i think is best for me. it wouldn't be for anyone, i would be doing it for me. it's just, that same part of me is also dreading that day that would come as i am not naive enough to think that when that day comes you would still be there for me, i doubt you will. cos like now, you would never understand why i do what i do because there's only you and how you want me to be, there was never how i want me to be.
i guess, all i ever wanted to tell you if you would listen is that you should learn how to let go. how to let me lead my life the way i want to, regardless of the mistakes that i would make. what's life witout mistakes? if i was the one who made those mistakes, even with pain, i would stumble maybe fall, but i would still pick myself up and gladly go on with life and take it as an experience. do you want to be there for me when i stumble or fall? or would you rather that you know nothing of it because it's not what you wanted me to do? i'm not you and obviously, you are not me. so, who are you to judge me like you do? who are you to say that you know me better than i do? who i you to claim that you know what's best for me better than i do? you had the chance to lead your life, now, please, let me lead mine.
