all curled up in a dark secluded corner

have you ever felt so lost and so vulnerable that you feel like hugging your knees together hiding in a corner like a little child hoping that you might just be invisible to the big bad world with its big bad people and big bad things? hoping that there's some sort of comfort to be found in hugging your soft toy as tightly as possible but your 'best friend' which has always been faithful up to this very point, just isn't offering much? even hiding under your oh-so-protective quilt isn't helping. is that a sign that something is wrong or do you need a more glaring hint that all is not well?

i know that the world isn't crumbling down. sometimes all we need is a sincere smile that reaches inviting eyes on a cloudy day, other times, we might need a big bear hug to shield us when the rain is pouring down our face, occasionally, we would even long all that and some kind sugar-coated words to soothe our frayed nerves from the frightening thunderstorm over-head. but then again, will there be someone there to offer us those simple things, yet things which at that point of time mean the world to us? what if there isn't? will we be lost, never to be found ever again?

it's devastating and strangely funny that it's much easier to type a post and post it on a blog that you figure no one ever reads, while taking refuge in the fact that at least you got some of it, no matter how little of it, out of your system, much easier in fact than to voice out your many insecurities to the people that matters most to you. maybe because by doing that you are opening more and more windows to your heart and your soul that you are too afraid to show, even to yourself? because onced opened, the windows could not be closed. our heart and soul, the depth of us, is laid bare. what if they don't like what they saw? what if we should have been stronger? what if they thought we were a better person than we actually are? what if...? most of the time, with most people, we just figure that the risk is too much to take because what we are most insecure about is, in fact, ourselves!

but when you pause and pull yourself out of that pit of pitch black darkness and gloom that you blanketed yourself with, you should wonder, those people can easily be every bit just as insecure as we are. maybe it's time to inject some self confidence into ourselves and some trust in others, easier said than done i know, but maybe we too have judged them too harshly, maybe just maybe, they will love what they see cos deep down we are still the beautiful person that they once saw. and along the same note, just to be fair, they might just want us to see them as they really are too, to see them as the wonderful person that we once thought they were.

i'm off to wallow more in my misery and self-pity with my "best friend" and my quilt while you hopefully give a thought to the mess that i have written.

good to be back?

it has been so long since my last blog that my mind has very effectively erased almost every tiny little detail of this supposingly safe haven of mine. it took me about 20 minutes to remember the website for the blog, an address which made me smile smugly every single time i look at it, you see, i very much like the sound of it. however, no matter how hard i raked my mind for my username and password, those two will never come. i had to get "blogger" to send me my username and then my password to my e-mail account, which only made me realise how easy it is for an impostor to get all those rather precious details of mine, i suppose, and blog on my account. then again, i should probably count my blessings since i wouldn't be here blogging again if it weren't so very convenient and easy to access.

when you pause and think about it, isn't it amazing how easy it is for us to forget things that used to occupy our lives, things that were once important to us but because of the tide of life we were swept away from them? while we are at it, it's not only things that the mind chooses or sometimes unconciously forgets. do you still remember the name of your best friend in nursery? the name of the "best friend" that you were never once seen without, once upon a very long time ago? if you still do then give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back, cos my point is i don't and i bet a lot of ppl out there are just as awful as i am.

i admit that there are things and people that you can never forget that you will never ever forget or want to forget. but then again, you don't have to forget them entirely for them to slowly and steadily drift out of your life, becoming hopefully more than just a passing dream, maybe more like stuff that filled up a past phase of your life. and let's face it, no matter how hard we will to hang on to a phase in life, it just sweeps past us, sometimes so quickly that we didn't even realise it, so quickly that we didn't even have the chance to retaliate. and life is long when you think about it isn't it? how many phases are we about to go through in one life time? how many things and ppl are we going to lose along the way?

maybe one day when we are all old and wrinkled and sitting on an older rocking chair that's hopefully not immensely uncomfortable, looking at the sun setting down the horizon, we'll reminisence about the good old times we had, the sad heartbreaking times, and maybe on the off hand, the mundane days where things weren't good but not too bad either. but don't you wonder what sort of things will actually be important enough to be remembered all the way till then? will we still be bitter about little things that hurt us and not so little things that scared us in the past? or will we look at it all with forgiveness and think to ourselves that it's better that something actually happened than nothing ever happenning at all and cherish the good times that we actually had? i guess, this all depends on what sort of a person we are at the core, doesn't it? i hope that i'll be generous enough to be like the latter. and if you don't then maybe it's time for you to do a bit of self-reflection =)

lost and helpless

more often than not, we never get what we want in life. along the same lines, how our lives turn out never ever follow exactly to our plans. after all, we are living breathing human beings and not characters from a book that has to follow exactly to the plot set out by the author. more importantly, we cannot stand alone in this world and the people around us greatly influence it.

however, sometimes i do feel like a character in a book where i have absolutely no say in what i want to do because what i end up doing depends entirely on the author which i have zilch influence over. i've once again been put through a situation where i thoroughly experience what it means to feel totally lost and out of control of my own life. but then again, how many of us are truly in full control of theirs. but as i was saying, my life is spiralling out of my own hands into those whom i hope truly know what is best for me at least as much as they claim to. although what is to happen is totally out of my hands, i was given an excruciating cruel task of carrying out a decision on my life that i did not make. a turn of life that i do not wish to take, at least not at this very moment and not in the present future. i am much more aware of the consequences of the decision than anyone else. and because of this stark awareness of what will be, i am very much reluctant to go through with it.

i've been told a story about a kite, the string and of course the wind. apparently, the string is the one that holds on to the kite, the one who controls how far the kite could go. but the person who told me the story failed to notice that where the kite goes depends largely on which direction the wind is blowing and of course the way the kite is made. no matter how hard the string tries to hold on to the kite controling its flight, the string still has no say in what happens to the kite, neither can it gurantee that it will forever be attached to the kite. in actual fact, the string is very much helpless in the matter.

do i really want to step into the darkness of life all alone? i truly do not know the answer to that. does what i truly want matter to anyone at all? nobody asked me the question before they stormed into my life and took it over, so i guess, apparently what i want doesn't matter all that much. whose happiness should come first? mine or those that i care about? there are too many questions in my mind that i don't even know where it begins and where it ends neither do i know the answer to any of them. i'm truly being washed away by the tides of fate and i do not like where its taking me.