how i wish that i was a toddler again

you know how you just worked really hard (or hard enough) for something and after that all you want to do is to laze around and not do a single thing anymore, ever? join the club =) i think it's about time that i get down and dirty and start some serious mugging. but then again, i can think about doing that and procrastinate somemore. but on the other hand, i don't want to regret and beat myself up about it a month later. so, (sigh) it doesn't look like i have a choice, do i? i promise whoever who's reading this that i will start studying hard tomorrow (crossing my fingers).

well, since i was lazing around and not doing anything, i was hit by a sudden sense of nostalgia. how i wish that i was still that little cuddly toddler, learning how to ride a bike with 3 back wheels (and still managing to fall flat on my face), reading "peter and jane", building jigsaw puzzles with my mum, waking up early in the morning during the weekends to watch cartoon shows. the best thing of it all is that life was so carefree and everything was so beautiful. life was very much like a land filled with rainbows, lollies, and cotton candy. well, rainbows still bring smiles to my face but the sense of awe is gone or it has lessen in large degrees. you notice, the more you see of this (big bad) world, the more pessimistic you become. not only is the sense of awe gone, our sense of optimism is also lost. what is this thing that is sucking our essence out of us? i guess, there are too many different factors contributing to this sad fact.

notice how when you are young, you do and say whatever that's on your mind without second thoughts. if it was wrong to do so, then we and everyone else will just blame it on the fact that we are still young (we don't know any better apparently). the older you get, the older the excuse gets too, until a point where it is no longer usable. when we are all "grown-up", we have to watch our words and actions, as we obviously would not want to hurt others by being "unthoughtful". there's a certain propriety that we must follow, certain social expectations that we must live up to, certain hypocritical rules that we must live by. those of us who reach our toes out to feel and prob the line are viewed as being disrecpectful and scorned for being different. but, did anyone realise that all these boundaries that have been set up are just making us more guarded? everyone is hiding their own true feelings and thoughts behind mask after mask, fence after fence and wall after wall of "protection", so that we won't be hurt by the people around us and in turn we won't hurt them. i wonder if this is also a sad thing by itself, but who am i to say anything when this is the inevitable result of living itself? it's as if to build walls around ourselves to guard our fragile inner sensitivities is the code of survival.

well, i think i have been more than cynical and i should stop before i can't control the urge to whack myself hard on the head =) hope you enjoy what i hope is one of my rare moments of being an utter cynic and skeptic. smile people life really isn't that bad, really! i shall elaborate more next time around =)